i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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