I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I stole a fireplace last night.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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