Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
as a side note pls kill me
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
