just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
