those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
