I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
