i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
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