i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
