So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Randomize
