Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Ketchup is God's man juice
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
