Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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