Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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