Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
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