Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
the day after is always just damage control
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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