Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
