I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
