I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I did not marry a roomba.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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