On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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