its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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