I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Randomize
