I've blown a few things in my day
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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