you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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