A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
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