The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
