so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
