honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
All I want is dick and wine.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize
