He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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