I wish I could punch you in the face.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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