There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
