I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
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