my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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