Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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