omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
