Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
