two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
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