I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
