Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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