I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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