a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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