I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
