Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Randomize
