I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
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... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
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I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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