Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
