Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Operation Purity has been aborted
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Randomize
