this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
