dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
