Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
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