One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Randomize
