also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
