I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
