I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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