just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
