I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
