so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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