The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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