i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Randomize
