I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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