6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
