I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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