I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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