I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
