im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
