I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
