i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
