If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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